The Story of a Man and His Eye
by Elf Asato
Summary: Subaru invites Fuuma in for tea after X17. [Omakex5: The final chapter in which Fuuma wakes up to something truly horrifying.]
1. A Man and His Eye are Soon Parted

**Title:** The Story of a Man and His Eye  
**Author:** Elf Asato  
**Written:** 3/6/05  
**Summary:** Subaru invites Fuuma in for tea after X17.  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine whatsoever.  
**Notes:** My brain is obviously broken. 

+  
**The Story of a Man and His Eye**  
_By Elf Asato_  
+

At the Sakurazuka residence, Subaru had invited Fuuma in for tea out of sheer politeness and they sat at a small and old table with hot tea cups in hand, staring at each other, their knees brushing underneath the table accidentally - Fuuma not so accidental, though, but Subaru didn't need to know that.

The very situation was not at all comfortable for Subaru, who still was edgy from...well, everything.

Fuuma really wasn't one to help a situation, even if he wasn't consciously trying to antagonize anyone at the moment. As far as his behavior went, at present he was acting the role of a very good boy, sipping silently at his tea as his elder tried to figure out what the hell to do. Truth was, the teenager wasn't really being good, he was just bored of waiting around for the Sumeragi to do something.

Anyone who really knew Fuuma would have been more than mildly disturbed at this, but the Sumeragi was, unfortunately, a virtual stranger to him. Nice and fucked, but a stranger nonetheless.

He wouldn't have known when to run.

The container that Seishirou's eye came in was within Fuuma's reach, so when Subaru turned his head to gaze outside at the cherry blossoms and camellias blooming out of season and to ponder the symbolism of this, Fuuma, sick of waiting, grabbed the container and set it on the table loudly, bringing the other man's attention back.

"Well?" Fuuma asked, impatience tinging his voice.

"Well what?" Subaru replied calmly.

"_Well?_" he tried again.

Subaru regarded him coldly then rolled his eyes at the other Dragon of Earth, which rightly pissed Fuuma off, as he looked back outside.

Fuuma considered stooping to mocking ("_Hi, I'm Subaru, and I angst_," he'd say), but he decided to take the more direct route in getting what he wanted. It was more fun, anyway, he thought.

He reached out and touched the side of the Sumeragi's face, and when Subaru turned to him angrily, to ask what the hell he thought he was doing, Fuuma took the opportunity to create the punchline and, with grace that surprised even him, plucked out Subaru's blind eye.

Amidst Subaru's pain-filled screams, Fuuma said simply, "...Got your eye...!"

...And that was how Subaru came to wear Seishirou's eye, because really, without Fuuma's intervention, he'd probably still be sitting there, staring at the camellias and cherry blossoms.

* * *

Subaru developed a healthy phobia of the old _got your nose!_ trick, as well, and his relationship with his dear great-uncle Toshiro was never quite the same again.

**End**


	2. Omake!

**Title:** The Story of a Man and His Eye: OMAKE  
**Author:** Elf Asato  
**Written:** 3/12/05  
**Summary:** Fuuma stays and questions Subaru's fishtank.  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine whatsoever.  
**Notes:** The crack fairy visited and told me to write this. 

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**Omake**  
_By Elf Asato_  
+

It had been two days, two days and Fuuma still hadn't left the house that Subaru had taken upon himself to stay at. Two days of being forced to adjust to sight in both eyes again thanks to the remarkable surgeons on CLAMP campus, two days of morphine, two days of Fuuma. Not that Subaru was complaining really, because being able to fully see was cool, and he rather enjoyed the painkillers, but Fuuma was a bit of a drag. He kept touching him "accidentally" which really cheesed the Sumeragi off, he was always trying to talk to him, and he never did the dishes. That was the worst.

"Fucking heathen," Subaru growled to himself, almost at his wit's end, as he handwashed the dishes because the Sakurazuka residence never quite joined in the technological revolution. The scented lemon gel irritated his new Seishirou Eye.

Fuuma overheard and agreed wholeheartedly.

Anyway, from the very first day it had sort of become apparent that Subaru had every intention of making the traditional and cozy little place his home and had even begun to move what few belongings he had in.

Like the fishtank with no fish.

"Why don't you have any fish in here?" Fuuma asked soon after discovering the tank.

"Because I'd have to feed fish," Subaru replied shortly and tried to walk away to partake in the happiness that is morphine, but Fuuma was never short of questions, which, Subaru claimed, irritated his Seishirou Eye.

"What's this round glass thing in there with the pinkish goo inside?"

Nine years of acting like a depressed and callous jerkface had enabled Subaru to utter certain things with such monotonous eloquence. "An eye," he said simply.

Fuuma knew a lot of quirky, twisted, and downright _weird_ people, but he was beginning to believe that Subaru took the cake. "...Do I want to know?" He had the feeling he didn't.

"You don't have to feed an eye," Subaru responded like it should have been obvious.

Like, duh, Fuuma.

A few seconds passed as he tried to think of something adequate to respond with, but it was a failed attempt because his brain was too occupied at wondering just what the hell Seishirou _did_ to this man... Instead, he asked what he really didn't want to know. "Whose eye is it?"

"Seishirou's. I begged the hospital to let me have it after he killed my sister."

"Oh, of _course_. You're going to use his cells to create an army of queer assassins to destroy the world, right?"

"Don't be silly." Subaru looked very annoyed. "It's my friend."

Fuuma idly wondered if he had somehow damaged the onmyouji's brain when he poked out his eye the first time.

On the second day that he imposed himself on Subaru and the Sakurazuka house, Fuuma noted an addition to the fishtank. "Hey, Seishirou's eye has a playmate."

"It's the eye you plucked out recently. I got it from the hospital," Subaru murmured as he lay on the couch, partaking in much happiness.

"Seishirou's eye was lonely?"

"Yes."

"You aren't a very good friend then, Subaru."

"I have a new friend now."

"Oh?"

"Morphine."

"I can see that..." Fuuma muttered and then proceeded to play with the eyes.

Moments passed before Subaru decided that Fuuma was being entirely too quiet and sat up to see what the other Dragon of Earth was doing. "Fuuma..."

"Yes?"

"Stop making them have eye sex," Subaru said.

Then he drifted off into a chemical-happiness sleep.

* * *

...Lucky bastard, Fuuma thought, and then dirtied all the dishes.

**End**


	3. Omake x2

**Title:** The Story of a Man and His Eye: OMAKEx2  
**Author:** Elf Asato  
**Written:** 6/16/05  
**Summary:** Subaru and Fuuma discuss different creams.  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine whatsoever.  
**Notes:** I should be writing and finishing up other stuff, but I heard the crack god's voice late one night and it told me to write this. Who am I to argue with the divine? (By the way, the thing with the Romanian woman is real...) 

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**Omakex2**  
_By Elf Asato_  
+

Fuuma thought that all the Sumeragi's complaints of how chemicals made his Seishirou Eye hurt was just an excuse to get out of household cleaning. So it was with that thought that he stood outside the bathroom door, watching Subaru put drops into his eyes after an aborted attempt at scrubbing the floors, and made disapproving tsks and sighs, just to annoy him.

After finishing putting the drops in, Subaru blinked a few times and glared at Fuuma. "_Yes_?"

"Just watching," he explained, trying to seem as innocent as the deadly and destructive Angel could be, which wasn't much.

Subaru rolled his eyes and opened the medicine cabinet to put the drops away and retrieved something else. As he twisted off the lid to a jar and dabbed the white, creamy stuff inside onto the skin under his eye, he murmured, "Well please refrain from being annoying..."

The white, creamy substance piqued Fuuma's interest, and immediately he had thoughts. _Many_ thoughts. "What's that?"

"What's what, _this_?"

"Yeah."

"Eye cream," Subaru answered and continued to massage it into his skin.

A strange, confused, and weirded-out looked crossed Fuuma's features, which was exceedingly odd considering what he initially thought it was, as he asked, "You put _ice cream_ under your eye?"

"No," Subaru corrected, "_eye cream_. The vapors from it are soothing. ...You thought it was actually ice cream?"

"_Actually_...wait, is eye cream eye jizz? Was I right after all?"

At first, Subaru was stunned. Then he recovered and threw the lid at Fuuma. "_No_, now either say something useful or shut up because you're annoying the hell out of me."

Fuuma shrugged and examined the lid. "Hey, what's 'Avon'?"

"Shut _up_."

Fuuma briefly wondered if, for his own safety, he should do the Sumeragi a favor and fetch his morphine. Instead he asked, "...Is 'Avon' made from eyes?"

"What the f--"

"Hey, it was just a question!"

It took a second, but Subaru finally quelled his irritation and answered calmly, "Avon is a _brand name_, Fuuma, and no, eye cream is not made of eyes." Then he added as an afterthought, because, well, he was dealing with _Fuuma_, "...or 'eye jizz', for that matter..."

His curiosity knew no bounds. "Then what's it made of?"

"...Good stuff."

Well, coming from the irritated onmyouji, Fuuma supposed that was as good an answer as any. "Hey, if it _was_ made from eyes, what do you think it would taste like?" Before Subaru was able to throw the entire _jar_ at him, he explained quickly, "I thought it was ice cream at first, so..."

Fortunately for Fuuma, who would have found out first hand what eye cream tasted like, this seemed to calm Subaru for the moment. He answered seriously, "Like..._eyes_? I don't suppose eyes have a flavor, but I never really thought to taste one."

"I was watching this sex show the other day," Fuuma began as the other, strangely, listened carefully, "and there was this old woman in Romania who licked people's eyeballs to heal them, but they never showed her saying if it had a flavor or anything."

Subaru furrowed his brows. "Well, that's odd... You'd think that that would actually hurt more than help since the human mouth isn't as clean as, say, a dog's, but--wait, this was on a _sex show_?"

"Yeah, it was bizarre. I mean, it's not like they were being sexual about it, and I'm not sure I even _know_ of anyone having an eye fetish--oh wait, never mind."

"...What?"

"Uh..."

"Hey," said Subaru, changing the subject to suit his whim, "you know what I could really go for?"

"Morphine?"

Subaru's green and amber eyes practically glossed over. "Yeah...and ice cream."

"Eye flavored ice cream?"

That same dreamy and dazed look continued in Subaru's mismatched eyes as he answered, "_Yeah_..." and wandered off to take a few more pills than he should have of morphine.

* * *

A few hours later, police were baffled to find an entire orphanage of children completely robbed of their eyes... 

**End**


	4. Omake x3

**Title:** The Story of a Man and His Eye: OMAKEx3  
**Author:** Elf Asato  
**Written:** 7/5/05  
**Summary:** The Fubaru chapter.  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine whatsoever.  
**Notes:** Without playing The Dandy Warhols' "Bohemian Like You" on repeat the entire duration while writing, this Omake might not have come out like it did. Of course, that probably broke my brain even further... Anyway, thanks be to Fin Mefiant for Find the Eye fun, and Tyrne J for Eye Fucking. 

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**Omakex3**  
_By Elf Asato_  
+

Though no one really believed it when he tried to tell him, Fuuma was actually quite indecisive. For instance, had _he_ been the one to choose his fate rather than Kamui, the End of the World would have come and gone before it had even gotten started.

Maybe the stars were onto something by making him _Kamui's_ Gemini.

But as it stood, Fuuma was faced with quite the dilemma - a Very Big Decision, in fact. One that required him to choose between two life-altering choices as he stood in the Sakurazuka living area, staring at a passed out Sumeragi on the couch.

So great was his indecision that he felt he had to resort to his decapitated sister's way of choosing between things: the infamous daisy.

"Sex him up," Fuuma said intently as he pulled off a daisy petal from his new spot on the couch next to Subaru. "Don't sex him up." Another petal that he'd have to clean up before Subaru became even halfway sober fell to the floor. But before he could mutilate the daisy any further, the previously dead-to-the-world onmyouji happened to wake up.

Subaru murmured something inarticulate as he halfway sat up and rubbed his face.

"What was that?"

He repeated the same, inarticulate thing.

Fuuma leaned in closer. "What?"

"**FOOD.**"

And, well, that was that. Fuuma was rather accustomed to never having a say in anything as he went to the kitchen to fetch him some ice cream.

Ice cream wasn't exactly real food, but that morning, Subaru had been talking to the eyes in the fishtank, telling them that they were all going to go out on a family picnic one day and eat ice cream.

He looked somewhat more alive when Fuuma finally went back to the living room with a bowl of homemade ice cream in hand. As he sat down next to Subaru and handed him the ice cream, he noted that he was watching the news on an old, black and white television. "I'd never peg you as the type to keep up with the world," Fuuma remarked.

Subaru had an answer, he really did, but all was lost as soon as that first bit of ice cream entered his mouth. "Mm," he said, then, "MM!"

Fuuma smirked. "Good?" When Subaru started putting big scoops of it into his mouth quicker than he should have, the Angel considered that his answer. This continued until brain freeze struck, however.

"She's a drag queen," he said at once as he unhappily set the bowl in his lap and put a hand to his forehead, taking a break to watch the news.

"Who," Fuuma asked, "the anchor?"

He nodded and then pointed to the screen, "And so's he."

"Er, Subaru? That's a little girl."

"They're all drag queens. Even those little eyeless orphans. Did you hear about that?" Subaru asked as he leaned over and took a pill from a container on the end table, popping it in his mouth.

Fuuma shot him an _almost_ concerned look. "Did you just take more morphine?"

"Yes."

"Didn't you take a whole lot of that stuff before you passed out?"

"Yes."

He raised an eyebrow. "Subaru, it's been almost a week since your eye thing and you've been taking painkillers more than religiously. I fail to see how you could possibly still be in enough pain to need to keep taking them."

"Who said anything about pain?"

"What?"

"Uh...eyeless children!" Subaru exclaimed as he picked up the bowl and started eating again. "Just all of a sudden these little kids lost their eyes!"

Fuuma snickered. "By the way, how does that ice cream taste? I made it from scratch for you, you know."

Subaru stared at him with wide eyes and a spoon hanging out of his mouth, successfully achieving the take-me-home puppy look. "From scratch...for me?"

"It doesn't taste like _eyes_ does it?" Fuuma winked. And when Subaru shrugged with a mouthful of ice cream, he leaned over close to the other man's face and murmured, "Maybe I should have a taste..."

"MMmm," Subaru protested and shoved Fuuma's face away with his hand, swallowing, "this is _mine_. Go get your own."

"Aw, but Subaru, that was as much as I made. It was hard work, you know, and there are only so many orphaned kids in Japan."

Subaru snickered, but Fuuma was serious.

Fuuma inched closer and put his arm above Subaru's shoulders on the back of the couch. "_So_, Subaru, what do you--"

"My eye fell out," Subaru interrupted as he finished off the eyes cream and handed the bowl back to Fuuma.

"Er...come again?"

"My eye fell out," he repeated and he put a hand over his green eye, "and you have to help me find it." Before Fuuma could respond, however, Subaru moved to lean his body over the Kamui's lap, searching in a crevice. "Nope, not here."

Once again Fuuma had a decision, but unlike before, he knew his choice this time. "So, uh...what do I get if I help you find your eye?" he asked, very obviously not looking at the entire _upper_ half of Subaru's body.

"Eye fucking," he said simply as he leaned back up and returned to his spot beside Fuuma.

"..._What_?"

"Hey, I found a quarter," Subaru said as he held it out in front of Fuuma's face.

He wasn't interested. "...Did you say _eye fucking_?"

"_NO_," Subaru replied forcefully as he withdrew the quarter possessively. "...Okay yes."

Fuuma blinked. "Uh...hmm, actually, I think I saw your eye in the bedroom... It's green, isn't it?"

The ex-Seal nodded seriously.

"Yeah, yeah," he said as he stood up. "I know exactly where it is. Come with me and I'll show you..."

Subaru grabbed the spoon from the bowl and took it with him, sucking on it as he followed Fuuma to the bedroom in search for his eye. "Oh good, you found it," he said abstractly as he climbed onto what once used to be Setsuka's bed. "Did you want your reward?"

Fuuma nodded in confirmation as he joined Subaru on the bed, and the older man proceeded to show him exacty what his reward _was_...

* * *

...That is, until Seishirou's ghost showed up to kick Fuuma's ass. 

**End**


	5. Omake x4

**Title:** The Story of a Man and His Eye: OMAKEx4  
**Author:** Elf Asato  
**Written:** 9/10/05  
**Summary:** Seishirou lectures about safe sex.  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine whatsoever.  
**Notes:** This is the Train-Wreck Omake, by the way, and don't believe anythingIwrite here... Much thanks to the U.S. Department of Health for the "men who have sex with men" bit ('cause, you know, there's no other word for it...). 

  
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**Omakex4**  
_By Elf Asato_  
+

On Fuuma's list of Situations He Wanted To Be In, being caught buck naked with the Sakurazukamori's favorite prey by _said_ Sakurazukamori's ghost on his dead mother's bed definitely wasn't one of them.

"_You_," Seishirou's ghost muttered ominously as he advanced towards a houseplant, but nobody was man (or high) enough to say anything. "You...don't have a condom, _do_ you?"

For all the anxious suspense Fuuma had been subjected to from the ghost's sudden appearance, this non sequiter was rather jarring. And so he stared at the Sakurazukamori's transparent figure with his mouth open, gaping like a fish, wondering if Seishirou's ghost _seriously_ asked his houseplant for a condom. It was entirely possible, after all, that he had ingested one of Subaru's special happy pills...

"We don't have any ketchup," Subaru said.

As Fuuma gave his would-be lover an odd look, Seishirou turned towards the sound of his voice and smiled in that dangerously creepy way of his. "Ah, Subaru-kun. It's been a while. I trust you've been well?"

"Uhhh."

"Have you been eating every day?"

"Uhhh."

"And sleeping?"

"Uhhh."

"Have you been sleeping, Subaru-kun?"

"...Dude, you don't have any eyes."

Fuuma choked on nothing at Subaru and his startling yet true observation on the ghost of the eyeless Sakurazukamori.

Seishirou was still dignified, and he responded delicately, "Of course, my darling Subaru-kun, as you are now wearing the one eye I had left."

"Oh. Cool."

"Uh, Seishirou, it's all nice to see you and all," Fuuma butted in uncomfortably just as the Sakurazukamori was about to inquire about the state of his Subaru - Kamui or not, Fuuma wasn't in any hurry to explain to him that his dear prey had become a morphine addict in his absence, "but, er...I thought you were dead. I mean, you are since you're a ghost, but, uh...why are you here?"

Seishirou gained a rather parental air - Fuuma supposed it was super cool ghost powers or something - and cleared his throat. "Why Monou-kun," ("Hey...") "I'm glad you asked. You see, I couldn't help but notice that you and my dear Subaru-kun were about to engage in some rather risky activities, and I had to step in."

"Hey listen, Seishirou, I know Subaru's your big prey and all, but you've gotta realize that you're _dead_, and I'm not, and--"

"You mistake my intentions, Monou-kun! Quite so."

"Yeah, right, and don't call me that."

"No, no, I insist I didn't come here to break you and my darling Subaru-kunwho'smineandminealone," Seishirou said as he gave his best fake-smile. "I'm simply...concerned. I wish to help you two lovers out."

Fuuma squirmed.

"You two don't have a condom, do you?"

"You don't need a condom for eye fucking," Subaru said matter-of-factly, and Fuuma choked again.

"Oh but Subaru-kun, that's a common misconception in youngsters these days. They all think that they can eye fuck freely and safely without repercussions, but the fact is that that is simply not true. There are many, many dangers to eye fucking!"

"Uhhh," was Fuuma's response.

"For instance," Seishirou began, genuinely fake, "did you know that you can get ebola from crying?"

Fuuma raised an eyebrow. "Ebola! What the hell does ebola have to do with sex?"

"_Everything_. When you get ebola, Subaru-kun, your insides turn to mush, and you bleed out of every orifice!" Seishirou tried his best to look like he had the best intentions.

"Whoa, cool!"

"What! No -- I mean...your penis falls off, Subaru-kun."

Subaru looked as if he was about to cry.

Fuuma simply rolled his eyes. "Don't listen to him, Subaru. He's lying."

"I am certainly not! I'm only trying to help you, Subaru-kun. I want you to be safe and happy, while it seems that Monou-kun would rather your insides turn to mush and your penis fall off."

"What!"

"Additionally--"

"His _lies_ will give you ebola..."

"--you can catch the dreaded rhinovirus if you are a man who has sex with men who have sex with men."

"_Rhinovirus_? What the--"

"And since you are a man, and Monou-kun is a man who has sex with men who have sex with men, if you have sex with Monou-kun, you'll be a man who has sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with--"

"What the hell are you _talking_ about?"

"I'm going to turn into a rhinosaurus!" ("Rhino_saurus_?") Subaru lamented loudly.

"And you can't cry or you'll give us ebola," Seishirou added.

"Give him ebola, Subaru, go on."

"I think my penis just fell off."

"Well shit," Seishirou muttered, "I mean--"

"Uhh..."

"Oh! But if it falls off from ebola, then I can't be a rhinosaurus because I can't be gay!"

Seishirou paused. "Who said anything about being gay?"

"Men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with--" Subaru began.

"Honestly, I don't know where he comes up with this nonsense," Seishirou didn't roll his eyes.

"--men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have--"

"I wonder," and Fuuma did.

"--sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men--"

"Is he on drugs?"

"--who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with--"

"Actually..." Fuuma murmured.

"--men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with--"

"I think my work here is done," Seishirou said smugly as he handed Fuuma a condom. "Happy eye fucking?"

"--men who have sex with men who have sex with men who have sex with--"

"Yeah, whatever," Fuuma said as soon as Seishirou's ghost disappeared.

"--_men_," Subaru finished dramatically, then passed out.

* * *

Much to his dismay, Fuuma never had a chance to find out that ghost condoms didn't really work...

**End**


	6. Omake x5

**Title:** The Story of a Man and His Eye: OMAKEx5  
**Author:** Elf Asato  
**Written:** 10/16/05 - 1/4/05  
**Summary:** The final installment! Fuuma wakes up to a horrifying discovery.  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine whatsoever.  
**Notes:** Two days shy of ten months. That's how long I've been writing A Man and His Eye, which, by my standards, is relatively short. I mean, I finished it, after all, haha! Anyway, I'd like to _totally_ thank everyone who's stuck through from the beginning, hopped on board during the middle, or just now discovered this little fic. Your support and enjoyment really means a lot to me, especially since this has been one of my favorite stories to write so far. Thanks again, and may Fubaru, eyes cream, and _The Story of a Man and His Eye_ live long and prosper!

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**Omakex5**  
_By Elf Asato_  
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**Omake!x5**

Fuuma woke up that morning to something absolutely horrifying, even by _his_ standards. In the corner of the Sakurazuka bedroom Subaru sat with his knees drawn in, fingering the ghost condom Seishirou had left behind the night before.

No, that wasn't what was so horrifying.

In Subaru Fuuma saw something that made him want to scream aloud, made his stomach want to flip and his throat close up entirely. He felt the beginnings of panic in his own depths. "_Subaru_," he whispered delicately, and Subaru's eyes met his in muted acknowledgement.

It was his eyes. There was something in Subaru's eyes that incited this horrible feeling.

He was...

He was...

...**sober**.

"Well shit," Fuuma murmured, his idealistic hopes of ever getting laid completely shot, and got up to make breakfast.

Subaru didn't really care where Fuuma went, because really, it was better that he didn't see him, and instead concentrated on the condom before him: the only thing besides the eye that Seishirou had left. It was one of his few remaining ties to the mysteriously elegant and frustrating assassin he once knew...though every time he recalled in a hazy distortion the events that led up to his acquiring the condom (it was one of his last memories before finally passing out), a fire burned in his cheeks.

Yes, it was definitely better if he _not_ see Fuuma, because contrary to what the 'Kamui' might have thought, he _did_ remember most of what happened during his extended chemical vacation. So in his corner he stayed, trying to decide whether his life was more full of angst or woe and contemplating the differences between the two.

Meanwhile, as Fuuma prepared some sort of breakfast-related concoction, he heard someone knock at the door. He went a few seconds before answering because he figured Subaru would get it, but then he eventually answered it because he remembered it was, well, _Subaru_.

"My how you've grown, Subaru!"

"Uhhhh," Fuuma managed as a small yet loud old man stood before him.

"I don't know what your grandmother was worried for now, you look just fine! Now come on, give your great-uncle Toshiro a hug and invite me in," great-uncle Toshiro said as he extended his arms.

Fuuma had no interest in hugging a strange, old man.

"I'm not Subaru..."

"Of course you are, Subaru!" Toshiro said and hugged Fuuma.

No, great-uncle Toshiro, he really wasn't...

"Okay," Fuuma murmured because it was _way_ to early to be dealing with such things, and he briefly invited the old man in, afterwards going to see a certain onmyouji about a certain family member.

Subaru was giving the ghost condom, which he supposed represented the depths of his own anguished soul, a thorough examination when the last person he ever wanted to see walked into the room and picked him right up, carrying him off to the living room. Of course, Subaru protested, "_Fuuma_. What the hell are you--"

"_Your_ blood, _your_ problem," Fuuma answered as he unceremoniously dumped Subaru right in front of the friendly old man and left to eat his breakfast-related concoction.

"Hokuto!" dear, dear great-uncle Toshiro exclaimed as he roughly hugged a terrified and re-traumatized Subaru. "My you look like a man these days. Are you a lesbian?"

Rather than calmly ask his great-uncle what in the hell he was doing there at the Sakurazuka residence, Subaru let a strangled outburst, "Hokuto's been dead for _years_! I'm _Subaru_!"

Great-uncle Toshiro only let out a hearty laugh, and Subaru looked as if he'd make great-uncle Toshiro into his first kill as Sakurazukamori. "Of course, of course, I'm just joshing you, Subaru! Say, who was that strapping young lad who let me in earlier? Was he that man your grandmother told us all about, your Romeo of sorts - oh, what was his name, Seiichiro?"

After the "Romeo" portion, Subaru had loudly emitted some kind of unearthly and mortified sound, followed by a frustrated "_Seishirou! His name was Seishirou! Seishirou!_" Considering all he had been through, Subaru felt that he really didn't need or deserve this.

"Good god, boy, what's the matter with you? Oh here, I know what will make you laugh," great-uncle Toshiro said as he reached his hand out to Subaru's face, "_Got your nose!_"

With the aid of ice cream, Fuuma and great-uncle Toshiro were able to revive Subaru within minutes.

"Why don't you fix us all something to eat, Subaru," Fuuma quietly suggested once Subaru was conscious, "while I entertain your relative, er, _not_ near you? Would that be good?" He tugged at the onmyouji's slender wrist rather insistently yet tenderly.

Slightly dazed, Subaru took Fuuma's Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card and nodded, making an almost zig-zag line to the kitchen as he left Fuuma alone in the living area with great-uncle Toshiro.

Cue awkward and strained small talk on the couch.

After a few uncomfortable moments, there was a harsh knock at the door, and Fuuma jumped to answer it. He was puzzled as he opened the door, however, and considered the physical sight of a small and ancient woman before him, wondering what the _Tree_ was doing there in that form.

The old and weathered woman toddled past Fuuma and past great-uncle Toshiro on the couch until she stood in the entranceway to the kitchen. Subaru seemed briefly startled by her presence and even more so when she let out a booming, almost supernatural, "**_FOOD._**"

Overhearing, Fuuma snickered in a nervous, morbid, and _knowing_ way, and Subaru dropped a spatula in surprise. Great-uncle Toshiro, however, saw a Golden Opportunity and went in for the kill.

"My dear, I haven't had the pleasure of introducing myself," Toshiro approached the ancient and rather stump-like woman with a gentlemanly bow. "My name is Sumeragi Toshiro, and your lovely name would be...?"

"**FOOD**," the Tree repreated.

"Are you hungry, darling? In that case, why don't we leave these boys alone and go out to eat?" great-uncle Toshiro charmed as he gently took the woman's arm, leading her to the door. "I know a nice, cozy little place that makes a wicked soul brulee!"

"I don't like soul brulee. Can we eat bloodcakes?"

"Of course, dear, anything you desire," great-uncle Toshiro promised, and the aging couple were gone through the door.

Shocked, Subaru took a few seconds to ask as he came out to where Fuuma sat, "Who was _that_?"

Fuuma lounged on the couch and smirked, "The _Tree_. As in, _the_ Tree."

Subaru paled as he leaned against the couch and Fuuma's shoulder for support. "M-my great-uncle Toshiro just charmed and went off with the _Tree_?"

"It would appear so," Fuuma smirked, clearly enjoying the contact between them.

"And I'm all out of morphine?" Subaru asked, hoping that it wasn't so and that Fuuma would tell him it was all a grand lie.

Fuuma did no such thing. "Since this morning."

"...Damn."

* * *

Subaru remembered his new Tree-feeding duties in addition to his old clan ones and set out to work after a hard battle with morphine withdrawal symptoms, Fuuma attended to his job of being the enigmatic dark Kamui who generally made life miserable for the Seals and sadly never had another opportunity to sleep with Subaru though mightily he tried, great-uncle Toshiro continued to see the Tree and torture Subaru with ill-timed "_got your nose!_" tricks, Seishirou joined Hokuto in teasing Subaru mercilessly from the afterlife, the Tree lived a long life munching on bloodcakes and the occasional soul brulee, morphine never saw Subaru again though the onmyouji tried his hardest to see to their reunion, CLAMP resolved things with _Asuka_ and finally released the end of the series, and they all lived happily ever after...except the eyeless orphans; they were sad (and blind).

**End (No, Really, The End)**


End file.
